Midwinter Caravan Madness

It is midwinter is it not? Long dark nights, short dark days, wild weather, heartburn and hangovers? Why then did I come across multiple caravans on the road to Glencoe and back on sunday.

Caravan's don't belong on the roads at this time of year. Actually, caravans don't belong on the road at any time of year. But certainly not at this time of year. I used to believe that caravans should only be allowed to travel on public roads in the wee small hours, between say 2 and 4 AM. Now I believe in a complete ban. For tourists anyway. Travelling folk and those who drive their caravans all the time generally have respect for other road users, allowing you to pass when there's space etc. Rich middle aged twats in their V70 volvo's towing behind a caravan that costs as much as a house in Methil do not have that respect.

These disrespectful morons think that spending their child's inheritance on a caravan is fun and will give them a portable holiday home they can go anywhere in. not if i have my way. They pack everything they possibly can from home in and go sit in a field in Wester Ross. They don't pay for hotel rooms. They don't go to restaurants - their caravans have multiple ring gas cookers don't you know. They don't even buy provisions in the local shops.

And while they are busy not giving money to the local economy, they are making the roads busy and the beaches busy. They are taking the peace and serenity of the places they visit and shoving it in a self closing cupboard becide the WC come shower in their inflation busting two wheeled investment.

And they have the cheek to steal sprigs of heather and tie them to the grill of their car. cheap twats.

I think we should have a world where every campsite north of carlisle has one thing in common. A sign by the gate that says "No fucking caravans!".

So next time you are driving up a cute country road in Scotland, caravan in tow, speeding along at 40mph and maintining an average position of 4 feet over the white line, think of me. When that car comes up behind you flashing its lights and making you pull over, think of me. And when the police officer approaches your driver's window and shoots you in the head with a 45 for contravention of Rule 1 of the new Scottish convention on human rights, think of me.

NO FUCKING CARAVANS, PUNISHABLE BY DEATH

BAN THE SPAM YA BAM

The UK government has brought in some spamming laws. Yippee. Now my mailbox will be free of the infernal clatter of unwanted bullshit. I'll be able to uninstall the spam filter which slows my machine to the pace of a council planning application. Will be able to focus on work, will get more done and will have the lifestyle of someone considerably richer than me. Ya bonzer.

Until you see the small print.

It's only illegal to send spam to personal addresses. And the spam is only illegal if it originates in the UK. Brilliant. Wake up Tony. When did you last receive spam originating in the UK? Never. Even on the odd occasion that spam contains products available to the UK market, it never originates here - otherwise we'd all go round to the originators house and politely unplug their computer.

Come on ya bunch of fannies. What we want is to be rid of the SPAM. I don't need to be more well endowed (thank you for asking though). I'm not quite at the stage of needing viagra yet, and yes, I have a good printer cartridge supplier for the 2 cartridges I buy each year. This, and the darker adult orientated spam is what we want to be rid of.

So get intae it. Get yer well padded politicians arses round to GCHQ and aquire some proprietary software. If they can track old Bin Laden's emails round the world, they can stop generic viagra spams coming across our borders. And when you find where it's coming from, we the public request that you blow the fuckers up with some big-arsed bunker destroying smarty farty bombs.

STICK YOUR NECK OUT AND DO IT
WAR ON TERROR, WAR ON SPAM
YA BAM

I came across this awesome site today - www.firstfoot.com. Brilliant, especially the column on crisps and glue. That's the kind of site the web should be all about. Forget your tescos and amazon instant shopping. Folk say "what's the internet good for" anf the general answer goes "well ye can get cheap CD's n DVD's n that". Well, www.firstfoot.com certainly is the antithesis of that.

With a brilliant agony uncle column, joke of the day etc it' kept me busy for... well for twenty minutes anyway, and I've not even read half of it. Just had to come and write about it. The problem is that the face of the web that the bbc and the rest of the media present us with is stacked full of commercial wind and pish. What we really need is some anti-commercial irrelevant wind and pish. That's what I found at Firstfoot.com.

Oh, and it has a shop. Where you can buy CD's n DVD's n that.

I had the misfortune to be out of doors early this morning and finally realised that it is winter. Thoughts of a long lingering autumn that lasts until april can be banished. It's grim out there. Cold and grim. And I feel it might be time for a pair of gloves. I Could go buy them myself, or could put them on a Christmas list.

Which brings me to the point. Christmas Lists. Whether sent to Santa, or to your wife, I'm not too sure about these things.

Let's say you're the pressie giver. You want to buy a gift for your half brother's wife's first son, so you ask your half-brother for a list. He asks her. She asks the child. The child goes "I don't want that effin wierdo knowin what I want for Christmas. piss off." Mother passes the message to step-dad, who passes it back to you. "He'd really like a nice hat and gloves set". Child is then forced to write a thank-you letter full of lies, finds it easy and turns to more hardcore deception. Before you know it he's a major figure in the underworld who smiles wryly every time someone says "knee-caps".

So here's the thing. If you don't know the person you are buying a gift for well enough to get them something they'd like then either don't buy them anything (and save wee Johnny from a life of crime) or send money (which is a pointless exercise because wee Johnny will just spend it on drugs and join the criminal underworld anyway).

And if anyone wants to know, I need a nice hat and gloves set. please.

BRILLIANT - ANOTHER NEW LAW!!!

It's a cracker this time. It's now illegal to hold your mobile phone whilst driving a car.
Sellotape the beast to your head and you'll be fine, unless your phone is the size of mine that is - then you'll hae neck damage for the rest of your life.

Seriously though, a thirty pound fine if you get caught holding your phone in the motor. My advice to you is to make sure you don't get caught. By my scientific calculations I figure that if you hammer past a polis car at least 110mph faster than it, there's little chance he's gonnae see your mobly in your hand.

Me, I shouldnae have a problem. I can't work the wee ringin bastard at the best of times, let alone when I'm doin a Macrae.

Until next time...