Same old

Aw man, ah jist woke up. Got pished, missed the whole election campaign. Bollox.
Whit? SNP are in charge? Are things gonna change?
My guess is...
Same shit, different day.

Independence good for Englandshire?

Big Alex frae the SNP started courting the English media over the weekend, suggesting that independence would be good for Englandshire too. You've got to wonder what his plans are. You'd think the man might just be getting on with fighting the election for Holyrood, but no it seems he's got expansion plans. Within 1 year of winning every seat in Holyrood, the SNP are planning to infiltrate Westminster and take over there too, filling the place with MP's with English accents that pretend to be Labour and Tory but secretly work for the SNP. This will ensure that even if Scotland chuck out independence on the referendum, Westminster can then chuck Scotland out of the union anyway.
Next on their radar will be Canada and Australia (But they're already independent Ec), then perhaps some small South American countries that might like to become republics.
In a rare moment of unrecorded candidness big Ec was heard muttering "come oan, I'll tak yes a' on, ya bas" when he walked past a photo of the attendees at Gleneagle's G8 summit that was hanging in the corridor.

Toughest Creatures on Earth

I listened to a radio show today that suggested Scottish women had been voted the toughest, most violent creatures on earth. In particular Fife women and more specifically crack whores from Methill topped the poll. These women are routinely observed overturning Warrior Armoured Personnel Carriers returning from duty in Iraq whilst bottle feeding a 1 year old with Irn Bru and simultaneously beating the Giro out of their infirm and elderly neighbours.
When a few of these creatures get together for a night oot on the corner complete with bucky and skag, they are a force that even Fife police cannot contend with. And let me remind you, Fife police are used to dealing it out in Ballingry, Cardenden and Kelty.
Rather than hang our heads in despair, we should embrace this triumph of evolution and encourage more of the same along the Fife coastline. It could become a new tourist attraction on the adventure travel destination list.
The Scottish eExecutive could identify similar wee mentals from other locales and undertake a mass migration to get them all into Fife where they can be safely contained by water on three sides. As for the fourth side, it shouldn't matter as most can't count to four. Well, they used to but just cannae be arsed any mair and dae ye fancy gettin wasted ya c**t.

Reporting Dog Mess

My local paper says you should report instances of lazy bastards not picking up their dog shite after it is deposited. I say you should follow the owner, find their address then take a dump on their step that night... and stick a flag in it.

Save the Red Squirrels

Must be slow news day - the save the Red Squirrels tree huggers are out'n'about again in the news. Count me in as one o those said huggers. I love the tufty wee gingers and hate the fact the fat grey southerners are spreading north with their pox.

To do my part I've trained my cat to be a super grey squirrel killing machine. I regulary beat her around the ears with a fluffy grey effigy then send her out into the garden to do battle with the evil variety that inhabits the tree over the fence. It's not purely conservational of course. The fat grey twitchy tail keeps theivin' oot ma bird feeder hence depriving that said squirrel killing feline of a chance to hunt some feathered snacks.

Anyway, death to the wee grey bastards - long live the gingers!

Crazy SNP ditching independence

Honestly, is there any policy that makes people want to vote SNP other than independence? oh yeah, "I'll vote for them cos I like Salmond's cheecky little smile". Don't think so. The Scotsman today is saying if they get power, they wont implement an independence referendum.

EH?

If the SNP get power they won't go for independence. Mental.

Guess I better find someone else to vote for then. Someone who believes in their main policy.

Back Again

Time this blog got resurrected. It's election time in Scotland so there are bound to be plenty of tartan f**k ups to have a snigger at. Stand-by.

Aww man i jes pure forgot!

It's a familiar phrase, but one I don't often utter. Anyway, I pure forgot about updating this old blog - the flaming haggis. i suppose i've spent too much time updating my new blog recently. Anyway, I've got lots of nonsense to blog about so check back soon eh?
Bonjour