Independence good for Englandshire?

Big Alex frae the SNP started courting the English media over the weekend, suggesting that independence would be good for Englandshire too. You've got to wonder what his plans are. You'd think the man might just be getting on with fighting the election for Holyrood, but no it seems he's got expansion plans. Within 1 year of winning every seat in Holyrood, the SNP are planning to infiltrate Westminster and take over there too, filling the place with MP's with English accents that pretend to be Labour and Tory but secretly work for the SNP. This will ensure that even if Scotland chuck out independence on the referendum, Westminster can then chuck Scotland out of the union anyway.
Next on their radar will be Canada and Australia (But they're already independent Ec), then perhaps some small South American countries that might like to become republics.
In a rare moment of unrecorded candidness big Ec was heard muttering "come oan, I'll tak yes a' on, ya bas" when he walked past a photo of the attendees at Gleneagle's G8 summit that was hanging in the corridor.

Toughest Creatures on Earth

I listened to a radio show today that suggested Scottish women had been voted the toughest, most violent creatures on earth. In particular Fife women and more specifically crack whores from Methill topped the poll. These women are routinely observed overturning Warrior Armoured Personnel Carriers returning from duty in Iraq whilst bottle feeding a 1 year old with Irn Bru and simultaneously beating the Giro out of their infirm and elderly neighbours.
When a few of these creatures get together for a night oot on the corner complete with bucky and skag, they are a force that even Fife police cannot contend with. And let me remind you, Fife police are used to dealing it out in Ballingry, Cardenden and Kelty.
Rather than hang our heads in despair, we should embrace this triumph of evolution and encourage more of the same along the Fife coastline. It could become a new tourist attraction on the adventure travel destination list.
The Scottish eExecutive could identify similar wee mentals from other locales and undertake a mass migration to get them all into Fife where they can be safely contained by water on three sides. As for the fourth side, it shouldn't matter as most can't count to four. Well, they used to but just cannae be arsed any mair and dae ye fancy gettin wasted ya c**t.