It’s getting on for my favourite time of year now. What, Autumn? No, well, in a way yes. What I mean to say is it’s now officially PHEASANT TWATTING SEASON. This time of year, every year these dumb-ass birds like the feel of tarmac under their feet and spend all day wandering about on roads. Which makes good sport for us. Some people use the phrase “like shooting fish in a barrel” when referring to something mind numbingly easy. I prefer “like twatting pheasants in autumn”.

OK, so here’s the exiting bit. If you twat a pheasant on the road and the guy in the car behind stops to pick it up, he’s got nothing but roadkill. BUT, if you twat the pheasant and go back to pick it up yourself, you’re guilty of POACHING. How cool is that. Transportation to the colonies for 20 years follows and you get a new life in Australia. Brilliant. Go twat a pheasant, pluck it and eat it then get doon the nick and hand yourself in. Cruise ship to Sydney and the sunshine life for me.

Where’s the best place to twat these numbnut birds? It’s gotta be the back roads of Perthshire. Don’t be scared of the slack jawed, bagpipe playing porch dwellers up these roads. They love a good pheasant twatting. In fact one recently told me he loves to watch because “the cloud of feathers looks like snow, aye”.

So what else can you twat? Not much really. Most animals are way smarter than pheasants and tend to move off the road when a 2 ton automobile approaches. Deer will seriously mess with your car, although you’ll get a good price for one at most hotel kitchens. Rabbits just don’t make the same thump as pheasants. In fact, the only animal coming close to being as stupid as a pheasant is the sheep – and get this – if one of these uncooked bridies comes in contact with your bumper, you have to report it to the police and pay the farmer compensation. Balls to that, forget the rest and twat the best. GO TWAT A PHEASANT TODAY